Study break. Sounds nice. Everyday wake up at 2pm den eat den start studying. Sounds more like a holiday to me. Just can't seem to discipline myself to juz sit there and study for 4 solid hours. Its just that i haven been studying for 16 years of my life and this sudden change is too much for me. O's are coming and i still haven figure out who i am. And of course i am aware that there are tons of people out there who are not hapi wit me and waiting to kill me. But all i can feel isn't hatred towards them. I dun mind dem hating me. I created the trouble. I dun mind if i get killed on the streets one day w/o even knowing who did it. But i guess what matters is u take responsibilty for something u have done.i know people out there who nvr want to take responsibilty for something they have done. I am not saying how good i am here. Coz if i am someone nice. i wouldnt be here today. But all i wan to bring out to people is that u accept the fact that u have done soemthing wrong and try changing it. I guess so far. All i know about myself is that i still have a long way to go. Some people think i wouldnt make it as a good husband. But i guess i will work hard. So if u are wondering why am i tinking so far. I guess thats just me. I rather think of the distant future of my life. Its just a good thing i guess. U look towards your marriage and death life. How you wan to be remembered when you die. And you start working towards it. Instead of thinking somewhere in the near future. Like after your exams. And once ur exams end. You practicalli lost target of your life. So i guess i rather work towards the long term goals.

So i was on my bed last night. Unable to sleep. I recalled what vincent told me. I wouldnt understand the bible if i nvr go through it myself. So i thought about it. I guess its true. When i do my quiet time now. i understand more things than i used to. Its just amazing i guess. i guess what Joe told me is true. "the wisest person on earth is someone who goes through the darkest depth of living hell." If you are wondering what shit i am blabbering about. Dun try to. People think of me as someone who think of the surface. Like basic everyday stuff. Studies e.t.c. I guess i am not what they think of me to be. I wan to be someone who understands deep into my heart instead of the usual stuff. I guess life would be trueli boring if we think on the surface all the time. Thats wat brains are for i guess.

I am questioned on what is a blog for? I have been reading blogs dat record their daily life activities. Like going to the market and all those stuff. But i guess a blog works like a diary that records ur deepest thoughts. I mean. 3 years from now if u were to look back on ur blog. You start reading about ur life activities. How boring. U see. i used to have a blog dat records my daily activities. And sometimes activities wit my gf and how much i love her. Looking back now. How dumb. Thts what i tink. i mean. who cares about which market u went to 3 years ago. Who cares about what underwear u wore 3 years ago. But all that matters is u look back on ur blog and u realise about how u used to think when u were young. ANd i guess u can start using it as a gauge to measure how much u have grown. A blog is what i called a "maturity ruler". It measures how much u have matured throughout all these years. So i would rather turn my blog into a website that records my inner most thoughts. and i wan to look back at my blog 3 years later and realise how much i have grown.

So i was thinking even deeper. Practicalli 70% of the people tink that gangsters are heartless people. For singapore. i rather not call dem gangsters. I tink i will juz call them posers. But the point is that these people are not as bad as dey seem. I have been there b4. and i know how it is like. Sometimes some people may find trouble with u. Those posers i mean. Like disturbing their friend or something. But i guess these people treasure friendship more than normal youths do. They would stand up for their friends and they are fun to hang out with. I am not saying normal people dun. But one thing that comes to my mind when i see these youth gangsters. I nvr felt any hatred towards dem. I guess all they wan is friendship and protection. Thay may stare at u for no reason. But i guess al they wan is to show off a strength they desire. All they desire is a group they can truly belong to. i guess some youths just join gangs for selfish reasons. Like asking for backup when they are in trouble. But unwilling to "help" when others r in trouble. But i guess it can't be helped. Lets just take Vicky for example. He maybe a gangster. But i nvr once saw any flaws in him. Instead. He's a wonderful person to me. Someone who treasures friendship more than anyone else on earth. Yes of course he has an aunty who controls him tightly. But i understand that she wans the best for him. But even wit the tight controlling of Vicky. When you are in trouble. He will surely come down to help u no matter what situation he is in. I guess thats something most normal people do not possess. All they do is to tink of their lives. And i was watching tv and i look at the yellow ribbon projects commercials and the tv series "turning point". Its the people who suffers the most that are the biggest testimony to the world. Its just how it works i guess. The mindset of humans. I mean. U dun see someone who leads a normal life appearing on tv and blabberin on how difficult his assignments are and expecting people to tink that he is a testimony to the world. Lets just take for example. For the tv series "turning point". You will never see someone who has been scoring A's for his exams appearing there and talking about how hard it is studying. If i were watching the show. I'd turn off the tv. SO i guess that will never give us a reason to look down on people who are gangsters or suffering people. Because. At the end of the day, these people u look down on would have much more stronger mentality than you.

So people have religions and how they have to work hard just to go to heaven. I guess why people hate christianity is because they dislike the mentality of going to heaven w/o a need to do anytin. My classmates were just shooting insults at me about how Christianity is. They were just saying. For example. If a christian kills soemone and repents. It means he is forgiven? I guess its just true and i see the reaction on their faces on how shocked dey are. But one thing that i know that this system is reasonable. Its just love that christianity has. I mean. you may think that Christianity is an easy way to heaven and how easy it is to be forgiven when u have commited a grave sin. But why are people so surprised about this? Dun you see this love everywhere today? If a son kills someone and goes to jail. Doesnt the parents forgive their child and yearn for him to return home one day? Why are you people disgusted at this love. I mean.We call our God our father. And i can assure you people that he is truly my father. People call their God by their name. But i guess i am the luckiest person to be calling my God my Father. Maybe i never saw him once. But i guess he has always been here with me. Maybe its time for people to start understanding christanity and see it as how u and ur parents are. And take note that i am not insulting other religions. Jus expressing my point of view on how christianity is. I am not someone who expresses my feelings veri well i guess. people misunderstand me most of the time. But its alright i guess. I am not veri good at expressing my love for my family. Guess its jus this *yuck* feeling to say i love my family. But i have no problem expressing love for my firlfriend la. Thats just how i am built to think. haha.

Looking back at this entry. I understood myself a bit more. But i guess its just how it is. Sorry to people who might find this entry long. I jus love pondering over these things. guess i will blabber more in my next entry. That is in the near future. I guess for entry i might highlight one sentence to bring it out to people to ponder over.

Quote of the day: i guess what Joe told me is true. "the wisest person on earth is someone who goes through the darkest depth of living hell."
11:52 PM



*edit

So i decided to edit my previous post. Maybe coz wad i talked about was irrelevant?

Amazing. Was studying for chemistry practical notes when i realised it will be given for O"s practicals. !!0.0!!So screw it. wasted my freaking tym. Oh well. Did a chem test today. got 44/65. Not bad bahs. b3. But still got a long way to go. considering the test was done in a huri. haha.


So i am typing out my entry and my mum comes up and reminds me of the tym when i was young. You see, i used to have this cute lil pig doll which i loved so much!(childhood tyms that is). SO my mum installed a new fan at the ceiling which rotates. (AMAZING!) SO i was juz flingign my pig doll up and down and i forgot about the new fan. *throws upwards!* The doll landed in an opening in the fan and practicalli screwed up the whole fan. still remeber the loud *BANG* Oh well. Until today the fan is still there. Not working that is. have to rely on a fan that is hung on the wall. haha. beautiful childhood times.


Its good once in a while to look back on ur childhood. It makes u realise how much u have grown. I still remeber the time when my family goes to IMM. I love staying at the toys dept while my family would go shopping. I can stare at the toys for hours and hours. And my imagination will go wild on how i can play with the toy. Now? i rarely go out with my family on shopping trips. Even if there are shopping trips. I rather stay at home and slack. But sometimes i would get dragged along. So yea.


So i looked back at my secondary school life. When i first came in. I am just that nerdy boy with super straight down hair. Still remember how my frens love stroking my hair coz its soft. So all the mistakes and fighting started. Betrayal and backstabbing and hatred. Failed relationships come and go like plagues. On certain occasions almost losing my life. Still remembered i once tried taking my own life. Did somethings that may seem right at that time. Looking back now. Realised how dumb i was and just cannot believe i did those things. Studies was nvr one of my priority. and somehow i managed to sneak into sec 4 express. All this while there was just this force bringing me through all this whether i like it or not. Now i pay for what i have done in the past. But i guess what matters is that i move on with life no matter what my past was. I look towards my future and realise there are so many things waiting for me. So my classmates dun think well of me. But like i told ema. I pay for what i have done and i wun complain a single word. But whatever they think of me. I still treasure my self worth and i have a value in God's eyes no matter what those people say of My god. If they wan to continue insulting my faith then i wun say much. I haven been a good christian all this while either.


So i did this entry and now? amazing. how far i've comed and nothing in the world can take this experience from me. I had conversations with people and how they had lives that are perfect. Couldnt help but have this thankful feeling in my heart that i am not like them. I have comed so far and O's are about to start soon. I will start embarking on my journey of self discovering. Maybe its time i start finding out and realising my life journey. Like i told my sister. I wan people to cry for me when i die. I wan to be valued by people for who i am and what i have done for them. If they wun den i would still be the same. But what matters is that i do it for God. Its about time i left this school. Will definitely not miss this school. But still i am thankful for this school. Might change my mind on burning my school uniform. Might use it to serve as a reminder not to repeat my mistake in the future. And to use it to show the world how much we can do.
9:09 PM



Amazing. 2.30am. Everywhere around me is just peace and quiet. Been a while since i last felt like dis. But maybe not as good bcoz of the haze. But i am still thankful for this hour. Makes me look and think back of how far i've comed. ANd of course. Whatever happened the past 16 years. I am still thankful to be alive and well today enjoying the midnight aura. juz lovin it. SO yea. Was doing quite time and i realli realised how blessed i am to hv such good friends. Not say in school la. Outside de. so yea. School got some good friends. But yea. Veri thankful. So O's are starting. This thursday practicals. decided to stay at home to study better. go school cant concentrate. oh well.

*off topic: Computer infected with super spyware. 1388 infections. ANyone has a higher record than me? Tag me and compete u suckers. If anyone have higher than me den i better run another scan. LOLOLOLOLOLOL!!

*2nd off topic : Been noticing a rise in gangsters. And noticing they are youths. SO yea. Like they say. Posers. They start staring at you and wantin to find trouble with u. bleahs. Not a bit scared of these fools. Take out my hp and call my gang down. 999 den dey scared liaos. biggest in whole of singapore ! haha. bleahs. getting lame here. The haze muz be getting to my head
2:43 AM



U tink that this fight belongs to you? If u were even in this fight. U'd be the first man down. Why not you just take ur ass home and leave us to do the rest?
1:12 AM



So i didnt go to school today and went to meet my frens around 11 plus. Went to settle things with haleedah den went to taman jurong to talk cock there. So here comes the main shit. Was walking home when i saw Jazrul. So i guess he's out of the boy's home. So i was running from this situation for 2 years. Amazing that after 2 years. The first thing he did was to come look for me. So had to find one quiet corner to talk to him. One thing that came to my mind when i saw him, Why didnt he stop me 2 years ago when he knew i will be the one who land him in all this shit? We both knew right from the start that things will nvr end up the beautiful way. And he allowed me to continue. But one thing i have to thank him for is that i wouldnt be who i am today w/o him going through all this shit. So we talked abt how boy's home was like. But amazed he kinda seems unaffected by it. Neither was the hatred there when he saw me.

Jazrul : U nvr told me the reason why u did not stop me. But i wan to thank you for all that u taught me.
12:33 AM



So i was shot with the question why i wouldnt trust my family but rather trust outsiders with my problems. So i was jus walking to school today. Thinking about this question. So i concluded the reason why. For the whole of my life, i am a guy who came from alot of failed relationships and mistakes. I was wounded in my heart for a total of 16 times in 3 years. yea. F.Y.I i calculate. And 14 times i was left to be hurt alone. So i had this weird habit of turning on the internet and start looking for quotes. U know. Those quotes that sooth the pain in ur heart. But i guess none worked. Naturally i would turn to other alternatives. Like drowning myself in computer games or blasting the mp3 and pretend like there isn't anyone around u. So yea. As usual. None wuld work and u continue to feel the pain. But heck. Like they said. No pain no gain. All this while after so long. I came up with a phrase that would make me stronger. "In Life, You gain strength by letting go, Not gaining". This phrase guided me through my life and pain. As usual it would be difficult to let go of stuffs. But i guess u wun gain strength if u dun do so. So yea. Maybe its bcoz of all this that a barrier started to built up between me and the world that everything would naturally be kept inside me. Maybe i feel comfortable this way. I used this phrase so mani times in this school to so mani people. I tried comforting them when they are hurt. But i guess i ended up more hurt. People wun appreciate what u tried to correct and they start turning back on u. Maybe why the world around u is dying. But i guess i only have 6 days left of this "world". I would thank God for that. So i guess school is a waste of time. And as usual. Teachers dun come to our class today. Had lots of free period. Our VP came into our class and i started to complain to him about the Art teacher and demanded and explaination why my friends Art pieces were rejected. So as usual. He would juz say he would talk with Cha-lan-jiao. and he walked out of class. I doubt he did. Oh well. After recess decided to skip school. Walked out of the gate openly and went to HK house to slack there. Li Jie played the compter while i slept there. After follow hk go smoke den went home. precisely what i meant when i said that school is a waste of time.
9:22 PM



25th post. amazing wat people can do in 2 months. So yea. updated my blog tis afternoon. So i switched off my com and went to have me afternoon break. so i was juz thinking abt wad i have truly achieved. and same thing happened. i fell asleep. and had this veri weird dream. I was juz over the whole of the world. And this man was beside me. He had his hands over my shoulders. And all he told me was "You are almost there". Den i was taken to this big hall. And i was beside this girl whom i knew since young. basicalli. a girl i grew up with. Wun say who she is. We were juz walking down the hall and somehow. This guy came up and wanted to fight with me. and everything else juz disappeared. But managed to beat that guy up good. After that i juz woke up. My mum came into my room. So i was just thinking its quite a cool dream. provided i was never that high before. as in over the world. Literally. So yeah. Still thinking about that dream i had juz now. maybe go to sleep now and see what else thats nice. Maybe i might wake up in my dream with beyonce. Who knows. But nah. i was hoping for Pamela Anderson. But on the other hand. I might jus sleep through my dream. maybe i was jus thinking. Its juz a compilation of what happened this week. Screw it. still waiting for that money to coem into my bank. maybe store it for a few months for interest. See la. 2molo school. gonna skip school halfway through once i take my books den i go home and study. Juz worried that me Dad will be at home. Den he will srtart asking. "Why are you home so early??" . den i will be so screwed dat time. Go sleep now. maybe will think of a reasonable excuse.
12:24 AM



So i woke up this morning and realised i am sick coz of the haze. needed some rest. wanted to continue sleeping at home and forget abt everything. but jus this voice behind my head calling me to wake up and go to church. Had to lead small group. couldnt juz leave things like this. Lets jus say its responsibility. so yea. the haze has settled down. amazing change overnight. at least i could see things clearly. So yea. went to church. when i reached. went into the toilet den proceeded to the 4th floor. well. met a lady from our chruch and a new comer girl. sec 1 girl. kinda gothified girl i guess. and tt lady practically wanted me to sit with her. i juz knew her for goodness sake. i am male she is female! How could i juz sit wit her like dat? hmmm. kinda pretty i muz say. yeaps. gothified girl with big eyes. veri cute. oh well. proceeded on wit the normal stuff and came back home. on the bus recieved an sms from Joe. Good to know he has settled down peacefuly in Korea. came back home to realise both my sister havent reach home. as usual. forever outside. was in the bus thinking abt my whole life. juz wonder wad i have achieved. was thinking and thinking but soon fell asleep. so lets jus say i havent achieve anything except a thick vocabulary of vulgarities. Oh well. looked at the timetable and realise that there is onli 7 days left of school. den start O's le. still not there yet. can get better marks. now cant study. stuff got stolen. sabotage i might say. gonna find out who. wun tell u guys why. better take out the modem and hide it. seriousli cant study with the modem around. sigh.
4:22 PM



so full of shit. been a while since it last rained. getting veri bad. damn the haze and indonesians. oh well. feel veri uncomfortable. no rain. this realli sux la. how i miss those days of sleepin wit the rain. So 2moro is those normal church days. calculated. left around 7 days of school. den muz go for intensive at home le. so yea. O's taking me onli 14 days. so yea. after tat u will see how i slack. muahahahahha. bored. so screwed up. i hate school.
9:26 PM



damn the mother fuckers who think i dun understand malay. u scold me in malay behind my back thinking i am ignorant of it. Well. u r proven wrong. i have been with malays for 3 years of my freaking life and give me a fucking reason why i dun know wat is malay. u know who you are. i spent 3 years of my life understanding your culture and respecting your race. and all i ever got back was betrayal and back stabbing. so yea. School. normal screwed up shit. Ms ang nvr come (as usual) . Mr Ngien took over but he has N'level invidualting. and came into class onli at the 4th period. which is one more period to recess. (whats the freaking point?)during tat time cant study so went walkign around. and saw Lijie and two girls. So who cares. screw Jun feng. I have been putting up with him on his own reign of power. juz a graduate who came back to show his face and throw his weight wround. OH well. I will show him my style of power. Lets just say one more time he pokes into my ass... OH well. seems to me that caning doesnt work anymore in this school. AND I FOUND OUT THE REASON why Vicky was caned. Clearly Mr Loh was finding fault with him (which he couldnt). All he tried doing was driving Vicky up the wall so he could cane him. Wat the fuck. bleahs. 9 more days in this freaking school. and its all going to be over.
8:02 PM



so yea. been a while since i last updated. but who cares? i doubt anyone read this blog. i am juz talking to myself here anw. maybe this is how radio dj's feel like. oh well. prelim results. glad about it. Mid year got lots of f9's. now? lets recap.

English : C5 - C5
Maths : F9 - (C5 or B4)
Science:F9- D7
Chinese :F9- B3
Humanities: F9-F9
Geography: F9-C5

So yea. u people might think tht these results suck to the core. But i am juz glad de hardwork is paying off slowly. so yea. school truly sucks i guess. not just school. People betray me after all that i've done for them. not Juz someone. But "them". so screw dem all. talked to vincent about it. feel quite blessed after all this. sometimes people betray u for the most common thing like money. But i guess its them who bring their ownself to a despicable level. nthng much i can say. so yea. 30 more days to O's. which is 3 more weeks. its the final lap. away WIT THE INTERNET MODEM!! i will go to school as and when i like. will be going to school less often. prefer to study at my own pace. or if my mum dun allow. juz go out. but skip school la. den go somewhere else to study. haha. go school oso useless. the intensive is way too much. haha. oh well. in life. i guess i juz have to let go of things and hold on to other things that are eternal. Jia you. 30 more days to O's. can do it. Vincent promise to buy a new phone for me if i do well. haha. so i will keep my promise and study hard too. JIA YOU!
11:13 PM