So i was just having my afternoon nap and somehow in my dream i was bugged to make this entry. SO here i am. Somehow recently i have lost track of my life and i am unaware abt it. Its scary. IT truly is. I guess it was onli yesterday i was rudely awoken by my sisters words. I guess all this while i was in my own trance abt hw much i suffered dat i lost track on those people who suffered with me. Is that why i feel that emptiness inside me all the time? I have becomed too clouded to see other people who are around me dat i only see myself. I guess i have to start making a stand now. The fact that i have broke contact wit other guys makes it even easier to start afresh. 3 cheers for that! I guess the fact that i went back to smoking is my fault. No one t blame. I dyed my hair knowing of the consequences makes thigns even worse. sometimes i wonder am i back to where i started.? am i searching for sympathy from others? i guess i have been truly selfish to others. But heck!! Like my Dad alwyas said. making a mistake is one thing. standing up and starting afresh is another things. 3 cheers for the holidays! I guess my sis is right. NOt time to clear up my mistake. but time to do the right thing. SO i will just leave everything behind and start afresh. time to start fighting again on a clear mind! 3 cheers for the rude awakening!
9:37 PM



As far as i am concerned. I am not a nice guy and thank you people i am aware of it myself. I will not argue with someone who claims dat i am not a nice guy. And even so. I knw i dun care and i knw i deserve it. I dun care if the girl i like tries to avoid me. I dun care if people try to avoid me either. I knw loneliness like a fren and i dun mind being alone. But honestly. This is just a post to those out dere judging on what others have done wrong. Or lets just say its a plead. Sometimes as far as i am concerned. No one is super super wise except God himself. And i can bet my head dat there r times u do not understand one's person's difficulties. So this is just a kind reminder. DO not judge them on what they have done wrong. Even if u cant understand. Shut up. speech is silver. silence is Gold. I am aware of the fact i am a rotten jerk and i do not go around asking for sympathy and neither do i need them. People find me weird. that i knw. I dun communicate with gerls well and time and time again i see girls avoiding me because they got the wrong idea of me. I face the truth tht i am not a lady killer. i dun care much if i dun get the gerl of my dreams because i am aware of it that i dun deserve a girlfriend. Sympathy is the last thing i need. this entry is just a clarification to what others think of me.

Firstly. I dun carry my thoughts and messages well to the other party. And girls end up misunderstanding me. And this is a clarification to u people out there. I am someone who hates a one sided love relationship and i mean it. If the other party has no feelings for me. I'd abondon it. A forced love is the last thing i need in my love life. People think i am a playboy and this is another clarification. It was my ex girlfriends who abondon me. Not the other way round. Dun worry abt me chasing u. Coz i will nvr chase girls who hv no feelings for me. EVen if the girl has a potential to be my future wife.

Secondly. I dun care if u see me as weird. I may like to be alone at times. But whatever i do. I have a reason. I may be quiet and like to be alone at times. I am not a sociable person by nature. Forgive me if i am veri quiet when i am with u. Sometimes i just wan to slow down and hear what my heart has to say to me. Sometimes i just wan to be playful and crazy to let my emotions and pain in my heart out.

Quietness calms my heart and a cheerful character sends warmth into my cold heart.
10:57 PM



Chalet over tis week. Things happen and pass. Would'nt elaborate on what happened during the chalet. But i guess somethings happen so fast dat u don't even have time to adapt. and u just fall into it. Holding her hands and kissing her cheek. I forgot who my future will be with, Right from the start we knew each other. Now we hold each other hands and kiss each other cheeks. But somehow i have forgotten who my future wife will be. I guess it wouldnt be wise t date a girl whom u wouldnt marry. Hmm. Somehow this is the biggest contradiction 2 myself i guess. I do not practice what i preach.

i guess this brings me back to the part where i talked to jasmine. Time to do what i know i have to do and dun do what i feel like doing. I guess feelings r temporary and they definitely do not last. den why depend on something tht do not last?I am an emotional guy and i ruined my life because of it. But life wouldnt be fun if we had nothing to change would'nt it? Life without problems is like a super straight road w/o anytin. HOw boring. I see people going into relationships and breaking off and end up getting hurt. i guess this happens its because they mixed up what they know with how they feel. Like my sis always told me. Do not depend on feelins but rather do what u know u have to do. So lets just break it up for all thos who are in relationships and to those who just broke off and feeling the hurt. my remedy to avoiding bgr problems.

Firstly. Teenagers mostly r damn fucking emotional. Meaning they do things dey feel like doing. E.G: "Oh my God! i realli am in love with that babe. Her ass is so damn fucking big. I love it. I must date her even though i am 15!" here is an example of an emotional type. Like me! But wouldnt it be dangerous when this feeling of "love" fades away? Even if ur feelings dun fade. Wat abt e other party? either side is going to get hurt. This is what is happening in the world today.

This is the right way. Teenager: " Oh my God! She is so damn pretty and her ass is so big and her lips r like hot dogs and i am hungry for it.! But wait! I am only 15 and i have to study and i am not matured to date! Oh well. " This way. The teenager acted in a way he knows he have to. This way nothing happens and both side dun get hurt. Even though the teenager feels a bit hurt on not having the girl. But i guess. long time pain is always better than short time pain.

This is written to Emalyna and my schoolmates as my last message to you guys b4 i break off contact with u guys. Everyday i see people crying over a break up and getting hurt and i am constantli reminded dat i was once like dat. I hv made my last mistake with Farah and i am going to move on with life. Right here i dare to say all this things because i was once like u people and i was hurt to the point i almost took my life. all because i did the same mistake. Now its the time to stop others from repeating all my mistakes. Isn't it time to seperate what u know u have to do with what u feel like doing?
9:09 PM



Somehow i feel like an idiot. Every night i go to sleep with an empty feeling in my heart. I feel so lonely everytime i am with frens. I may smile but i feel like i am lying to myself. I may not be happy after all am i? Its just recent happenings that brought me down. But i guess its time to deal with it. Maybe i may sound dumb but i still am searching for a group of frens where i truly belong. Some people may tink tht i am close to church frens. But i guess its time to stop lying to myself. I feel like a stranger. No offence to chrch people who r reading it. Somehow every night i yearn to go back to my old ways. My old way of being accepted. But i guess i can't do it. I am fighting an internal battle with myself. Somehow i tink too much. In school i feel like an alien to the community. I may make jokes but i have to be straight. I am getting sick of my classmates. I truly am. These people treat you like dirt. They take you out and play with you when they r hapi but throw u in one side when they have problems. I do not feel human when i am with them. When i go out with people from my church. I feel very much like a stranger to their conversations. What they talk about isn't what i talk about in school. My sense of humour is totalli different from them. My life is simply opposite from them. Somehow everytime i go out with them i end up yearning to be alone and did'nt want anyone to talk to me. I miss the days of being with Kai, joe and the gang. Somehow all of them have gone on with their life and i guess its time for me to do the same. I have to start searching for my life back. I do not like to show my emotions and do not like to share my problems with just anyone. Somehow i just want to be cut off from the world for the time being for myself to be alone and think through life. O's r ending. Monday will be the last paper. Its almost time. Its time to let go off the hatred i have been holding on to these four years.

Sometimes people see the glorious part of life and yet do not understand the hardwork and pain behind it. People might praise u bcoz u have changed but they do not understand the pain you have to go through and the fighting u have done. They just assumed u have changed for the better and expect u to be like dat and think that everything will be sunshine and flowers. But i guess for my life it would be different. My sunshine and flowers are not here yet i guess. People always tell me how much i've changed and praise me. But i question to myself what have i truly done. Do these people know how much of emotional pressure and pain i endured to get to where i am today? Yes i admit now i am facing attacks from my own emotions. U people may tink i hv changed. But its bcoz i do not show the pain i face in my heart. Every night i see scenes from my past and i face questions from deep within my heart. Who am i? People from my school nvr know what i face everyday and all they do is laugh and criticise. I am nvr on good terms with my classmates and i fight with them most of the times. Precisely why i told Randy tht i wun be going for the class chalet. But i guess i will go for one last time as a goodbye meeting and i will cut off any contact wit people from my school. Thats one of the 2 reasons why i wanted a new number. I didnt wan anyone from my school to contact me anymore. i needed a new number but somehow my dad just refuses to do so. But i guess its partli my fault bcoz i destroyed their trust in the past. I truly feel i am looked down upon by everyone. Somehow i need a break from the world after a 4 year long fight. I am drained emotionally. I truly am. I need a break from anymore fighting. Leave me alone

i am sori if i offended anyone reading this blog. But i want to be truthful with myself. After all. This blog is to record my inner most thoughts. I hope u understand.
12:01 AM



*edit again

Fantastic. SO i decided to edit the previous entry. Or rather i shud say erase it and rewrite? coz i tot it was full of shit. somehow i just am running out of words to say. Secondary school life is coming to an end soon. Somehow just have this happy yet sad feeling. People know me by my hatred for this school. haha. Everytime there is a chance to bring down the school. I'd be the first to volunteer. But who cares. I stick to my stand that this school will fall in time to come.

Somehow O's for me are coming to an end. after 2moro i will be left wit 2 more papers. After that will be my class chalet. Somehow the boys r bringing premium beer and tons of cigarrettes to the chalet. Hennesy XO. Always thought that Vicky was someone poor and somehow i just wonder where does he get the money to buy cigarettes. VICKY! I know u r reading this boi. Stop smuggling cigarettes from M'sia la. bleahs. BUt i guess we r gonna have a hell of a time there. But if we are lucki. we might make it back in one piece. Somehow with the boys always having a knack of getting into fights. Hmm. come to think of it. I also have the knack of getting into fights too. haha. After chalet would be the mission trip to Taipei. Haha. SOmehow it would be amixture of both worlds. The darker side and brighter side. Go get some fun den go taipei. but heck. Like i told Vicky and KAi. After the class chalet i will erase all the contacts i have from secondary school and start afresh.

So yesterday i had a fight wit my Dad and things just happen like that. HE knows more about me. He says that he hopes to see me study in Uni. But somehow i have a feeling he wun be seeing me go tht far. He might not even see me get married. But certainly he showed me how to be an excellent husband. and somehow i knew something about him that i never knew. I dun know much about him. Its onli this year that i realised more about him. But i guess i wun have much more chances to know him better. He might be gone anytime soon. But i guess to have such a father is truly a blessing. I may not know him well but he certainly taught me the values of being a real man. haha.

Somehow i just hate females. They make man look like lechers when it is partly their fault. dun understand? OK. 2 examples. They wear revealing clothes and expect us not to look at it. Even if they dun wear revealing clothes, they wear clothes with writings on the chest part. And of course we would have this curiousity to look rite? And.. AAARRRGGGHHH!!! Females. SOmehow its not easy to understand them. Females. Have some pity on males. Wear clothes that r more covered up please!

10:32 PM