Friday, August 31, 2007
This entry is my words to Veron. Not in particular to anyone but Veron. There is no need to read it.So what if you are the head of a gang? So what if you have control of so many people? When you dun even have control of yourself? Jazrul and Haruz had control of themself, this is why they could stand up against many of whom have no control of themself. You have no qualifications to lead for you know nothing about honour and integrity and self control. You cant even fight yourself. Why talk about fighting many. You fool! Your fist is stronger than your heart! And your fist will be what will kill you in time! So what if you have control and leadership? Wun you just end up just like us? We reign to power, but at the end of the day we fall to nothingness. We end up with nothing. We live day by day with regret and we yearn for something to relieve us of this pain. Go on and lead. You are just leading people whom have no control nor brains. These are the people who will be your undoing when you undo your mistake. At the end of the day you will only be shot with the decision to betray your friends or you die. And maybe at that time you will be stripped of all your pride and strength. You will have people hunting for you and you will have no one to turn to. You will have people who fear you, but you will fear yorself even more. You choose and you pay for your decision. The same way we all paid for our mistakes.
1:04 AM
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
I am very tired, pissed weigh down!! I am about to explode out of anger and fustration!! I am about to make a decision and i need you reader's to give me advice!!please give me ur advice for i am very fustrated on what i should do!! ....................................................should i eat noodles or rice later? : Pexams are over!! whoooooooooo! 2 months of slacking begins today!!! i mean wth, i have been slacking practically almost my whole life. I was born to slack like pro. its time to continue fulfilling my destiny
8:55 PM
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Day by day i hear people talking about God using people whom have great testimonies, lets say gangsters who repent for Christ. And i dunno if i can be like them one day. I wish to use my testimony for Christ but i am not doing so for my time is not up. But its just when pride takes over, can God then still use me? I am happy that God has turned me over and helped me repent, but sometimes of what people say of my past and how God has worked in my life , i tend to get proud and think its my own effort. Can God then still use me? Everyday is just a constant struggle to keep that pride down before it brings me down. I wish not to dissapoint God. Can i then say that i am proud? Or can i then say i am fighting pride? Sometimes i wonder what goes on in my father's heart, how he manages to fight that pride after so much he has done for God. I am young and i still am making mistakes a year after i repented. Will God still use me? Many have asked to hear of my testimony, i have rejected many. And this is my reason. That each time i speak of my testimony, it will be only to glorify God. Not meant as a story to make myself look great. And neither am i great. That my testimony isnt just a story to entertain, it is to glorify God. I have my reasons for everything i do. Although sometimes it is wrongly carried out, but surely you know that my motive is for the best of everyone. Sometimes i see how God have protected me and kept me. Sometimes it is so easy to see that i get very scared. I get scared that i will dissapoint him after so much he has done for me. I live daily with the fear of dissapointing God. But i still continue making mistakes even though i fear dissapointing him. That sometimes i get so depressed that its like God will give up on me. But God then again through another incident shows that he still loves me just the same. And i get even more scared of dissapointing him again. I try to avoid making mistakes. But sometimes its just hard and very difficult to anticipate. Sometimes i wonder if God will just give me a super big tight slap to wake me up and make me remember it for life. Then i will be motivated to follow his will all my life. But all he has been doing is giving me a little nudge on my shoulders once in a while and carrying me through all the mess i have created. Let me illustrate for u shall i? Lets say i run around the house and break all the glasses, upset all the dustbins and make a whole mess of the house and cut myself with the broken glasses. But Good ol' God gives me a little nudge on my shoulders, give me a loving smile, carry me in his hands and bring me to a clean room, treat my wounds and let me rest, while he goes out to the living room and clears up the mess i have made. Why is God being so patient with a stupid and spastic Kid like me?
11:42 PM
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Recently i have been meeting irritating people and i keep hearing people complaining to me about them. Which makes me wonder. Am i of any difference to these irritating people? My answer is "no". I am of no difference to these bad tempered, proud, back stabbing people. But one thing that sets us apart is a gift from God, "Self control". Dun i have just as a bad temper as any of them? But bcoz of Jesus i control my temper. Dun i just have as much pride as any of these people? But dun i control it for the sake of Jesus? Dun i just have as much hatred as any one of them? But i control it. Need i explain more on what self control is? Matured Christians are not people who have any weaknesses erased and rubbed away clean. They are just people who have controlled their weaknesses well from the strength that Jesus gives. What then can i say little sister? If u wish to end it then so be it. But i will never end it in anger and hatred. I will not hold u back like a pest desperate for u. But i will hold u back if that will risk u hating me.
7:38 PM
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Someone once said this "A person with alot of humour has alot of troubles and bad memories. Which means, a funny person, deep in their hearts are filled with sorrow or are once filled with sorrow. Which makes me think, is humour a personality? or can we gain humour? isit that if u r born someone who cant make a good joke for nuts, means u can never gain humour? Each time i am with someone who is funny, i realise after time that the person leads a sad life and filled with sorrows. Notice now this saying, "laughter is God's hand on a troubled world". I would like to add on another saying, "Laughter is God's gift on a troubled man". I wonder if the apostle's were funny people?
11:08 PM
Sunday, August 12, 2007
Yes i am partly responsible for the mess you are in now. And i will take responsibility and i will help you clear it. I will never forsake you my brother, yes you, the brother whom i knew whom stood up for me and guarded me with your life. And even with the mess you are in now i will do the same and guard you with my life. I am sorry that i left without much explaination a year ago. But i promised you explaination if i ever do see you again. I hope that the life i am leading now is worthy enough of explaination to you. A year ago i left bcoz i knew the type of life i was planning to have was'nt easy to explain with words. And i desire so much for you to have the same type of life i have. To have a reason for suffering and know that it is worthwhile. My Brothers of my past to whom may be reading this entry, when we were leading a life of darkness we had the risk of dying under knifes and horrible deaths. But because of Christ i will have the same risk of dying the same horrible death. But i will have a reason for dying that same death i had risked before. But i will suffer that death with happiness and contentment. My brothers, i hope now u all understand that i left not because i didnt want to die a horrible death. But i wanted to die the same death with happiness. Yes my brothers and sisters whom are reading this blog. I may be very tired out and drained off. And yes i do complain about it. But i have found what i have been searching for. To suffer for a reason and cause knowing that i can bring this accountability to the next life. And yes i suffer for a reason. Not without reason. May you lead the same life in Christ and experience his death and ressurection.
10:58 PM
Its funny that i found true and strong friendship in gangsters. Some may say that they wun be good friends. But can we also say that people who lead perfect lifes are good friends? Yes we gangsters dun do things with wisdom nor smartness. But surely we treasure friendship and honour our brothers who went through thick and thin together with us. I am not ashamed to carry values of gangsters for i know that what values i have learnt in my time as one of them. I am not ashamed to say that gangsters have nothing good in them at all. For i have learnt true friendship from them. That this is why i am proud of my brothers who protected me with their life. This is a blog of thoughts. Not meant to correct anyone nor to impart values. For i am a person of many imperfections but the grace of the Lord has chosen to built me up with mistakes. The Lord is a wonderful engineer. He knows exactly what will built up a person. The Lord knows the kind of mistakes and vileness i had but he changed it from somethign that will destroy my life to something that built up my life. Dun be discouraged if you have many imperfections. For the Lord might use ur imperfections to be your testimony for him. : )
12:35 AM
Thursday, August 09, 2007
If i wanted to spread rumours. would i do it in this way? You have been with me for so long den surely you would know that whatever i do is for the good of you. Why isit until now u dun get it how much i care for u?
8:12 PM
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
Tired. I really am tired Lord. Can you dun tell me anymore wisdom nor give me anymore advices? Can you just let me have a normal life? Can you just let me go to school normally? Can i just go to school without making it feel like i am going to a spiritual warfare?
11:17 PM
Friday, August 03, 2007
Previously i wrote that responsibilty is a hard thing and so is accountability. And i understand well what responsibility is. I wrote in an entry last year october and there was a phrase that says, you pay for what you have done. This is something that many try running away from. Lets just face it. Bcoz of my mistakes i almost lost my life for it while trying to clear it and being responsible for it. This is what i meant by saying responsibility is hard. That some even face the risk of losing their life for it. And taking responsibility will often mean u swallow your pride and say that u r at fault. I am not saying that i am very responsible here but this is to highlight responsibilty to anyone who is reading this. responsibilty doesnt just mean you take care of a group and account for them. Responsibility also applies to this. You do something, there is always a price and you pay for it. Dun expect people to clear up ur mess for u. MAybe people will assist u in clearing up your mess. But u do not just sit down and wait for the person to clear everything. The Lord has sent angels into my life and to remind me on what is happening to me now. He sent not beings with wings and a halo above their heads. He sent 2 ordinary people who cant speak nor hear to remind me. Basically deaf and mute people. This is what they taught me. And this is for the benefit of Christians being persecuted for their faith or for doing what is right. Persecution we all know what the meaning is. But we do not know the true meaning behind it. Persecution comes in and challenges you to make a choice on whether you want to join the dark side and live an easy live or you choose the Lord's side and continue getting persecuted. It challenges you to disown the Lord so the world can accept you. This is persecution. But the benfits of enduring persecution is far greater than what few have experienced. Persecution helps you grow even closer to the Lord and sets your path even stronger for the Lord. And when you are persecuted, the Lord delights in rewarding you for suffering for his name when you meet him in heaven. The Lord has his intentions on lettign persecution go on. And it is for our own good. Surely u say that many died under persecution on standing strong to their faith. Then this i would reply. They die so that they can leave this dyign and evil world to go to paradise to enjoy the Lord's love and presence. Isn't is good? May the Lord continue to keep his children strong and continue to bless them through their sufferings. For the good of his children and for the glory of his name. Amen!
2:36 AM
Thursday, August 02, 2007
I decided to update once again knowing that any of the issues i have yet to settled has been settled. while some issues can never be settled for the fact that no matter what i do, people can never keep quiet. And i realised what is going on now to me can never be compared to all that is happening out there in the world. This is Christianity, that we grow stronger in tremendous persecution. Christianity grew in suppression and opposition, while others grow without any. Our faith lies in an empty tomb that the one we believe in has risen and he lives forever! I am just put to shame with the fact that i cannot suffer more for the Lord.
Exams are nearing soon and it will decide whether i repeat any modules or go on w/o repeating. Whatever happens may the Lord have his will in me.
Responsibility sure is painful. Accountability is hard.
8:13 PM
