Monday, June 30, 2008
today is a darn stupid day. skiped school den end up onli got for a 30 min lecture. Stupid lecturer go call me. After that stayed in school to study end up nvr study coz patrick and all of us just seriously no mood to study. haiz.
I read a book by Rick warren. I am really inspired by what he said about life. Often we are so selfish that we all want to get the most out of life. But we are actually created to GIVE. Not to GET the most out of life. Which i thought was a very interesting statement. I wanted the most out of life. I was selfish and i end up being sad. But when i gave, i am much better off and happy. Its funny how life actually operate. When we recieve we are happy. But when we give, We are even more happy!
They say that Experience is the world hardest teacher. She gives the test first, then lessons afterwards. I couldnt agree more with this.
But then again, i sometimes wonder if i am heartless, or i am just too used to heartbreaks. I mean, when i had my first heartbreak, i freaking took 6 months just to get over her. But as i grow older, it shrank down to 3 weeks, den 1 week. Den now, its been 2 years and i never once spent more than 5 days being heartbroken over a girl. I do consider it a gift dat i dun spend alot of time being heartbroken. But then again, this so called "gift" wasnt very easy to get either. It was a really painful road to take. But who cares? wahahhaha!
I kinda woke up today and i lived my normal life. And i didnt realise i didnt think bout her till Ming li asked bout her. I guess im really heartless to let go of a relationship i cared so much for and not giving it any shit now. But i guess there is no point caring so much for a relationship when the other party doesnt give a shit either. So to come down to it, this relationship is just a piece of shit. And i just happen to put alot of care and concern for this piece of shit. But shit will always be shit. Only meant to be flushed down the toilet bowl. so i am done flushing. At least the toilet bowl is much cleaner now : )
10:13 PM
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Im not going to say that im a perfect guy. No one is. I mean like heck, a perfect guy is a great actor. no one is born without flaws. But why do we treat people like they are without flaws? I mean like shit, its only bcoz people treat us and expect us to be perfect thats why people are dissapointed in us when we do something wrong. I dunno if she treated me like that too. But i can never be perfect. And from what i know, we are fighting over little peanuts spilt on the floor. Maybe the reason why she is so pissed is bcoz she expected me never to spill the peanuts.
No one can ever be a perfect bf or a perfect godbrother. I have already come to accept this fact. I am a person with many flaws. I was born with even more flaws even though i am a reverend's son. When i was younger i did stupid stuffs like beating up people and even my own dad. I did crappy stuffs that people will never expect a reverend's son to do.
I knew i made many mistakes and i still make mistakes till today. But i live today with the only thing holding my head high is that i gave the people around me the best of my heart. I may have a 20% good heart, 80% evilness in my heart. But i know i have given my 20% of the good part of my heart to my friends. Just coz you people may have a 90% evil heart, doesnt mean you give all your 90% of evilness to people rite?
I gave her the best of my heart, if she wants to get pissed off at little dumb stuffs. Den i really am going to move on with life knowing i have tried my best. She told me to quit smoking. I did so as i truly wanted her to be proud of me.
Just coz someone is a reverend's son doesnt mean that person is a perfect person. But just coz i am a reverend's son i was made to live a perfect life. And the things i do are linked to my parents. Is this fairness i ask you? Does it mean a rev son cannot even dye his hair? is dye'ing my hair wrong? And why do people insult my father bcoz of my actions? Just coz i used to smoke did you have to insult and criticize family? My father isnt the one who has'nt done his job well. I am the one not doing my job as a reverend's son!
A youngster isn't someone who is stupid. Just inexperienced in life. How can one person judge a youngster who is inexperienced in life and compare him with someone who has 50 year experience as a pastor? Its just cruelty and bullying. How can a 18 year old have the experience of life of a 50 year old reverend? How can i see the world as how my father sees it? Surely he has seen more.
But then again, i breathe with relieve that i have lived 18 years of my life with so mani mistakes and i still come out unharmed. This divine protection operates in a painful way. He didnt tell me much. I asked him for wisdom, and all he told me was that i would get it, but its going to be painful. painful as hell. Now that my heart is aching like mad shit. I know he is merely answering my prayer. And patiently wait till it blows over and i get stronger.
I really liked this photo i took with patrick, hector and sq and me. We were hanging out till 2 am at orchard on friday. Did loads of stupid stuff in public. Really fun and we took this picture. Although its kinda small but i really liked it.
Haha, cant tell who is who rite?? haha. Sq started this stupid thing. Well, i look at 4 of em and all i can do is smile and be glad i have them as my friends. Funny how i used to hate them to the core when i first knew them coz they made christianity insults on me. But then again, as time goes we became really good frens. : ) Love this 4 guys. Oh, neng wei is included too!
6:54 PM
Saturday, June 28, 2008
I dunno what the FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!!! But what you just said is damn hurting. All the things you said to me are all just bullshit. How much i mean to you bla bla bla. You mean alot to me and i mean it. I loved you even more than my own sister and i cared for u more than my own sister. Even when i was treated like crap by other people and when girls cheated on me, even when i was damn fustrated i never fucking once threw my temper at you!!! You are like my pillar of support. How much you meant to me. When i was down you were the one whom i looked to for support.
And now? All you can ever say is you dun wanna talk about it, im not helping. I dunno what the hell happened to you. But if you can throw me to one side coz of someone else then at least now i know that i mean so little to you. You get some guy and you throw me to one side. Do I FUCKING LOOK LIKE SOME PUPPET??
I am more hurt by you more than that slut who played with me. Why am i more hurt by you than her? Coz i truly cared about you and i truly loved you. I was so worried bout you when you were down. I was heartbroken when you cried to me on the phone that time when you broke off with clarence. How much my heart hurts for you when i hear you cry.
Do i fucking deserve this kind of treatment? I thought i could count on you now that things are like this. But i never expected u gave me an even bigger heartbreak than that slut.
Its over. Its fucking over. Today i no longer have a godsister like you. Today no longer will i care anymore!!!
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
10:13 PM
Okay!! So yesterday was friday. School was pretty much normal. NOthing much happened : ) did stuffs bla bla. After school went to SQ house. Got nothing to do so play MAPLESTORY! cool rite? I mean like heck its a childish game but its fun! lalalala. okay!! So patrick came to meet us den we went to orchard to meet hector. AFter that went to Sakura restaurant for an all we can eat buffet dinner!! Took loads of pics but can only upload some. Some other pics at patrick there. wahahahha! So i'll upload a few here first. : )
After finishing our dinner went slacking around. Some other slacking photos are at patricks phone. So i think i'll uplload them in the next entry?
Note to a certain bitch. Please fucking get out of my life. I know you are reading this blog. Surprised that zheng ming is my friend rite? Maybe the next time you wanna get the best of both worlds maybe you shud check if these 2 worlds actually knew each other. And before you say the "I like you" phrase, make sure you say it to one guy onli. You have no idea how fucking hurt i am now bcoz of ur actions. so yea. Buzz off yea and be a nice bitch k? gees.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Shimin is rite. I have a big problem. I care too much. So im going to get rid of this problem. Not going to care anymore : ) Maybe if i dun care, i wont be so hurt.
Dun give me this kind of shit anymore pls. Dun give me anymore cheap girls and make me think they are nice girls. And end up i get hurt again. Like even fucking better choice. Remove this things called "emotions" from me. I would pay you anything just so you can remove it from me. I dun find it a good deal that i am more sad than happy.
10:46 PM
To be honest with you, although i wanna stay single, i cant help but feel very lonely at most times. Life can get boring at times actually. Sometimes we get so busy with other stuff that we start losing track with our inner self. Every night i do my QT i sit down on my bed and i get so shocked that i have done things in the day that i shouldnt have done. Maybe church people would tell me that i should talk to God about my problems. The problem with talking to God, is that you have to WAIT for a reply. Like heck i dunno how long.
I mean seriously, everyone needs a hearing ear once in a while. And its quite stupid when you are there for people, and when you need someone to be there for you, like heck, nobody's there. Then what do you do? I dunno?
For more than long enough this heavy feeling has been in my heart. I feel like im being treated like a fucking maid. Or maybe some fucking teddy bear where people use me as much as they like when they are down, and when they are happy, they fucking throw me to one side. The only fucking reason why im not typing everything out in my heart is bcoz this blog is not private. I am so close to making this blog private so that this blog would actually be mine and mine alone to trash things out. Its funny i have to actually resort to a fucking keyboard to let things off my heart.
5:59 PM
Monday, June 23, 2008
I have been very confused nowadays. Was looking for someone to talk to, but everyone seems busy. So i would just rant it out on this blog. This entry is going to be very long but screw it. I dun have anyone to talk to and i just need to get things off me heavy heart. So if you wan just read, dun wan then dun read.
It just seems that when someone is attached, or whether that person is not attached, he would still get hurt one way or another. If say i am attached, i would be hurt if my gf broke off with me. If say i stay single, i would be hurt to coz i will either get rejected by the girl i like, or i will reject her for the sake of staying single. And either ways, i'd still get hurt. So i wonder, why did i choose this route of staying single? If i am still going to get hurt. But then again, why should i take the other route and get hurt when i know teenage romance won't last 99% of the time? Either ways i still am going to get hurt rite?
Which goes to show how stupid life actually is. One way or another everyone will definitely go through heartbreaks. So it certainly is a common stage. Im getting to be seriously fustrated at why things are like this. That heavy feeling in my heart just keeps coming back and back im getting to be very very very fustrated.
But then again, i still recall those days when i was close to God, and those were the happiest days of my life. But it all seemed so short till he kept quiet. And he is still quiet till today. Im already very close to a point where im going to give up. But who am i to say "I give up" when it was him who chose me. So picture this, i am just someone who didnt want to live in this stupid world. But God just simply told me :"you get your ass in this world and you live it well. No matter how painful it is, dun give up until i say so". So now, what am i to do?
Many people told me that they want a relationship to last very long and even till marriage. Some tell me at the age of 13, some 16, some my age. Im not going to say this is a childish thinking. It actually is normal thinking. Any human who buys a laptop would want that laptop to last. Even possibly, last forever. i mean, heck, even i want my relationship to last. Im going to be very honest here is that even i am willing to spend the rest of my life with just one girl alone. But then again, im just going to be very practical here. We are humans, not robots. We have something called feelings, robots dun. So say a 14 year old girls tells me that she wants her relation with her bf to last forever, usually adults would go " Stop being foolish, its childish thinking". But i wouldnt say she's childish, i'd say she is already growing up who is finally thinking about her life. I rather she tell me she wants to spend her life with one guy forever than tell me she wants to spend 3 years of her life with one guy, the next 3 years with another guy then so on and so forth.
So then, like i said, lets be practical about this. But before i start, im not going to say im experienced in this shit. I just observed my parents and compared them with failed relationships.
So take a look around, teenagers getting break ups and getting hurt. Girl dumps guy for another guy. Guy dumps girl blah blah blah. We rarely hear of couples being faithful to each other till they are married. Common thing? They put their relationships on one thing, feeling. Yeah, i very well understand that the first few months or years of your relationship will be very exciting, happy and full of "love". Basically, very much full of feelings. But then, years down the road, the feelings die off, girl get bored of her guy, finds someone better, dumps guy and the whole cycle repeats itself.
But then i look at my parents, they never placed their relationship on feelings. They know they have to stay together for their kids and their future. They KNOW that they are the one for each another. Notice the word " Know"? Their relationship isnt built on feeling. So like people said, love isnt a feeling. Love is an action or whatever they call it.
So then, lets just illustrate it as me and my laptop. Say my laptop has a lifespan of i duno how long, im going to stick with one laptop. Before i get that laptop, i make sure i choose a good one, one that can be suited to me and i can be suited and adjusted to that laptop easily. So congratulations! I got my laptop. The first few months i get very excited about my new laptop, marvelled at its looks and i need to be with it everyday. Den i get bored of my laptop, its spoils, i have to keep bringing repair bla bla bla. I get fustrated each time it breaks down.
So then, any normal human would start getting a new laptop even before it dies. So this is the same as with relationships. We usually choose to get a new one when we get bored of the current one. Not many stick with it till it dies. Maybe you dun really get my explaination above. So ask yourself one question, can you get something new, and feel excited about it forever without getting bored of it?
So then, the same logic with relationships, when your laptop is infected with a virus, what would you do? Scan it and get rid of the virus rite? Which idiot would leave the virus there and let it destroy your laptop? Same with relationships, something bad happens, sit down and evaluate the problem. Then get rid of that problem.
Im not going to say whatever i type above is 100% true and accurate and that everyone should follow it. I just typed it out of my past experience and observation of my surroundings. Its really up to you as the individual to judge whether what i typed above is true or not. MAybe some people who read it would find it like im talking bout them. But dun be misunderstood. Im not talking bout YOU alone. The above problem has been many people's problem and they are all the same problem. Im just typing one common problem because it has only been that problem alone.
Okay then, like what i told Olivia and Ai jie. Im going to stay single and remain in SHC (Single.hood.club). But like what i told olivia, if i find that someone who is very suited for me and i am willing to give it my all. I will still accept that relationship for that person. But then again, not many girls are of my type. So im just going to wait till she comes by : )
AAAAAHH....i feel so much more relieved after that long long entry. If you are reading this. Thanks for your patience and i hope you liked this entry : ) At least i know that if someone finished reading this entry, someone would have already been there to listen to all my rantings : )
10:08 PM
Sunday, June 22, 2008
I was eating with my godsis just now then we were just talking bout stuffs. Then i start wondering who i actually was.
Im just going to face it that having 9 ex girlfriends isnt a very glorious thing to have. I didnt even know why either when i actually once loved only 1 or 2 of my ex. Im not going to redeem myself here but im just going to say that i indeed was a playboy in my secondary school days. Then i start wondering why did i actually have so mani gf's when they arent actually gf's.
People say i am experienced with girls considering i have so many ex - "gf's". But i dun want to lie to myself to say i am experienced with this kind of shit. The actual fact is that i am not experienced or whatever you people call it. I mean, i had 9 ex gf's and i got dumped 8 freaking times!! Until my most recent one then things were slightly different.
I am just going to be very honest here is that i took my first one very seriously, and after i got cheated by her i was freaking scared to put in too much into relationships. Following her i had 6 gf's in a period of 3 months and i just didnt care about any of em. Seriously, i dun evenknow why we began? These 6 ex, the longest lasted 2 weeks, and the common thing in this is that i didnt care about them. Which goes to explain why they dumped me. Then my 8th one was my first one who is actually a chinese. *finally* Things didnt go well either. She freaking cheated on me.
But seriously, until now, i have met many many many many types of girls. Seen all sorts of relationships and heard all sorts of breakup. Only came to this conclusion that relationships are really painful and stressful whether it be high time or low times. But so i was searching for a girl who would actually be the type of girl that i want. The type of girl that would spur me to be serious about her once again. The type where i could trust her and care for her knowing that this relationship is going somewhere. Im not going to say much about this, but im glad to know that such a girl actually exist in my life.
i really dunno what to update about anymore. I mean heck i have so many things to tell but i would rather people hear me. But its not like there are many people who would actually sit down and have a chat and talk their heart out with me. I have very few people like that close to me. Few guys and 1 girl who are actually that dear to me. People who would care about my life and how i live it. And i love em. Seriously i love you people!! haha.
11:59 PM
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Ok, school starts next week. neutral about it. Go back den can go see my results. Not say very excited to see my classmates. But i miss Patrick, sq hector and neng wei!! wahahaha. maybe going out with them when school open. I wonder how i did for my common test. hoping i do well for it. haiz.
Been going out non stop since work ended. Monday go out, tuesday go out, wed go out, thurs go out, ystd oso go out. Lucky saturday i can spend my day at home slacking around. haha. Or else i will die of exhaustion la. Dunno why i become so wild nowadays. go out till like 2am den go home. lol. Time flies when i am with my buddies i guess.
Im so screwed up now. Mom happily waltz into my room one day to tell me dat i will be surviving on my own now since i am working and i have the most money in the house. Then they go on to explain that we are going through a financial crisis coz my dad has to pay alot of bills and blah blah and to pay for his X-rays thingy oso. Then i have to shut my mouth up about me spending 400 bucks in a month. Den i realise i have to start scrimping just to survive. Like hell im 18 only and i have to pay for my own livings!!?? noooooo. But its fun i guess. Like more grown up and independent le. wahahahahha.
What shud i say bout her?? hmmmm. I love her to bits!!!!!!! Its so nice to talk to her about my problems. And i can trust her. wahahahahhaha. And you are very chio ok????
3:32 PM
Thursday, June 19, 2008
I hear peace, but i dun feel peaceful.
I hear prosperity, but i see poverty.
I hear friendship, but i see war.
I hear equality, but i see racism.
I hear intergrity, but i see betrayal.
What the world promised, we can never see it happening. Since when has any change the world made that is for the better? Who are we trying to kid to try to tell ourself that the world is a nice place to live in?
I'm going to stay single the same way im going to stay smoke free. And i find one question very useful and this is going to be my biggest defence against my own life. "Do i need this?". Seriously, do i need to smoke? NO!! So i quit!!! Do i need a gf now? NO! So i stay single and dun get hurt.
I am seriously very scared of getting hurt again. But then again, i know that either i stay single or not, im bound to get hurt. But what can i do? Olivia is right. I have a very bad past record. I have to redeem myself. Im going to show people that i can be faithful to the girl i love. And im not a freaking playboy.
Maybe when you people see my friendster to see tons of girls writing comments to me, maybe you shud check to see who started the conversation. And just coz lots of girls talk to me on friendster, doesnt mean i am a flirt and playboy. Friendster is very different from real life people. Maybe u shud check to see how mani girls i am actualli close to in real life.
8:28 PM
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
I sometimes wonder if God knew what state i am in. I dun even know what state i am in now. Am i with him? Or not? Am i Christian? Or not? But nonetheless, that calling is still there and it still remains. Which scares me about my future. Who am i going to be?
They say i am happy now. But i still wonder why there is still this emptiness in my heart. I dun mind making myself look stupid to make people laugh and make them happy. But why is there nothing that is filling this empty heart?
I sometimes wonder why i am not laughing as much as i used to. I watch a movie, everyone in the theatre laughs, but i am the only one who doesnt seem to find it funny. weird?
10:12 PM
Saturday, June 07, 2008
exams just ended yesterday. Went out with patrick, hector, sq and neng wei. Funny how when we had exams we would play till we are mad. And after exams we all get so tired. lol. But nevertheless, we went out till like 10 plus? went to Princesep street first to get Patricks pay. Then went to cathay and ate at a sushi buffet there. Den later starting walking round orchard. Bought patrick's Ralph lauren polo T-shirt. Den went top-man. And hell i spend over 200 plus yesterday? Bought top-man jeans, 2 boxer and an FCUK shirt. realli love that shirt. If only they got more designs. lol!
AFter exams things are starting to get very quietened down. Get more time to think of life. Evaluate life and spend some time alone. And then i settled on the thought that singlehood seriously rocks. I am damn stress free now, i can go out with my friends and finally spend money on myself rather than spend it on girls. I can appreciate the beauty of other girls without having to control myself because of another girl. I get to talk cock more and not think about whether my lover is alright not. And i get to save sms!!!
Den i realise that the days of getting attached really sucks. I have to sms my gf just to keep her occupied. And bao my sms. I have to pamper her and buy things for her. sucks. I have to spend more time with my gf and compromise time with my buddy's. I cant talk to other girls coz that wouldnt be nice. But i still went through with it 9 times coz i love them? maybe. But then again, singlehood suits me better. Not coz im a playboy or what la. But coz i am just too lazy for girls.
BUT i would make that exception for me Godsister Olivia!! Having a godsister is fun too!! And definitely not as stressful as having a gf. Get to talk my heart with her without feeling guilty or worried. At least if i treat her stuff i do it happily rite. haha.
Its been a while since i last went out with kai and gang. really miss them loads. maybe monday jio them out, see how they are with life. Miss them sey!!!! Oh, still have to go out with Su Zhen and jia hui!! Miss both my flings. Wanna talk cock with them. haha!! Go out with them damn fun one la. haha. hmmmm, who else? Nope, church people maybe la. Coz most of em are always busy. Won't be seeing them for 2 sundays coz i gotta work. lol. Wad to do?
oh well, i guess i got loads of good friends. And i miss them LOADS TOO!!!
2:07 PM
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
Been a while since i last updated. Nothing much happened actualli. Studying went well. Could catch up with what i needa know. And finally, i could do the paper. So with me and my group of frens, they way we study. Studying = piece of cake. Paper = piece of cake. Results = piece of crap.
After that chasing a girl saga. I seriously think that singlehood is so much better for me. I feel damn fucking stress free now. Everyone was telling me to let her go. I didnt want. So she let me go. And look!! IM STRESS FREE!!! YAYY!!!!!
I just dyed my hair. And on the day i dyed. I got stared by so mani ah bengs. Then i realised i look like a fucking ah beng now. But then again, i really do like the colour. : ) But wait till my dad comes home, i'll be screwed.
Oh, bought my spongebob boxers like finalli!!! Love it love it love it!! Exactly wad i wanted.
Hmm, work coming up. screw it. Straight after exams have to start work le. argh!!!!But 8/hour is good pay : ) i like.
Olivia's overseas. damn i miss talking to her. oh well. HOW ARE U IN AUSSIEE!!?? But i guess when she reads this, she'd be back le. So... WELCOME BACK TO SINGAPORE!!
11:39 PM
