Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Study break. Sounds nice. Everyday wake up at 2pm den eat den start studying. Sounds more like a holiday to me. Just can't seem to discipline myself to juz sit there and study for 4 solid hours. Its just that i haven been studying for 16 years of my life and this sudden change is too much for me. O's are coming and i still haven figure out who i am. And of course i am aware that there are tons of people out there who are not hapi wit me and waiting to kill me. But all i can feel isn't hatred towards them. I dun mind dem hating me. I created the trouble. I dun mind if i get killed on the streets one day w/o even knowing who did it. But i guess what matters is u take responsibilty for something u have done.i know people out there who nvr want to take responsibilty for something they have done. I am not saying how good i am here. Coz if i am someone nice. i wouldnt be here today. But all i wan to bring out to people is that u accept the fact that u have done soemthing wrong and try changing it. I guess so far. All i know about myself is that i still have a long way to go. Some people think i wouldnt make it as a good husband. But i guess i will work hard. So if u are wondering why am i tinking so far. I guess thats just me. I rather think of the distant future of my life. Its just a good thing i guess. U look towards your marriage and death life. How you wan to be remembered when you die. And you start working towards it. Instead of thinking somewhere in the near future. Like after your exams. And once ur exams end. You practicalli lost target of your life. So i guess i rather work towards the long term goals. So i was on my bed last night. Unable to sleep. I recalled what vincent told me. I wouldnt understand the bible if i nvr go through it myself. So i thought about it. I guess its true. When i do my quiet time now. i understand more things than i used to. Its just amazing i guess. i guess what Joe told me is true. "the wisest person on earth is someone who goes through the darkest depth of living hell." If you are wondering what shit i am blabbering about. Dun try to. People think of me as someone who think of the surface. Like basic everyday stuff. Studies e.t.c. I guess i am not what they think of me to be. I wan to be someone who understands deep into my heart instead of the usual stuff. I guess life would be trueli boring if we think on the surface all the time. Thats wat brains are for i guess. I am questioned on what is a blog for? I have been reading blogs dat record their daily life activities. Like going to the market and all those stuff. But i guess a blog works like a diary that records ur deepest thoughts. I mean. 3 years from now if u were to look back on ur blog. You start reading about ur life activities. How boring. U see. i used to have a blog dat records my daily activities. And sometimes activities wit my gf and how much i love her. Looking back now. How dumb. Thts what i tink. i mean. who cares about which market u went to 3 years ago. Who cares about what underwear u wore 3 years ago. But all that matters is u look back on ur blog and u realise about how u used to think when u were young. ANd i guess u can start using it as a gauge to measure how much u have grown. A blog is what i called a "maturity ruler". It measures how much u have matured throughout all these years. So i would rather turn my blog into a website that records my inner most thoughts. and i wan to look back at my blog 3 years later and realise how much i have grown. So i was thinking even deeper. Practicalli 70% of the people tink that gangsters are heartless people. For singapore. i rather not call dem gangsters. I tink i will juz call them posers. But the point is that these people are not as bad as dey seem. I have been there b4. and i know how it is like. Sometimes some people may find trouble with u. Those posers i mean. Like disturbing their friend or something. But i guess these people treasure friendship more than normal youths do. They would stand up for their friends and they are fun to hang out with. I am not saying normal people dun. But one thing that comes to my mind when i see these youth gangsters. I nvr felt any hatred towards dem. I guess all they wan is friendship and protection. Thay may stare at u for no reason. But i guess al they wan is to show off a strength they desire. All they desire is a group they can truly belong to. i guess some youths just join gangs for selfish reasons. Like asking for backup when they are in trouble. But unwilling to "help" when others r in trouble. But i guess it can't be helped. Lets just take Vicky for example. He maybe a gangster. But i nvr once saw any flaws in him. Instead. He's a wonderful person to me. Someone who treasures friendship more than anyone else on earth. Yes of course he has an aunty who controls him tightly. But i understand that she wans the best for him. But even wit the tight controlling of Vicky. When you are in trouble. He will surely come down to help u no matter what situation he is in. I guess thats something most normal people do not possess. All they do is to tink of their lives. And i was watching tv and i look at the yellow ribbon projects commercials and the tv series "turning point". Its the people who suffers the most that are the biggest testimony to the world. Its just how it works i guess. The mindset of humans. I mean. U dun see someone who leads a normal life appearing on tv and blabberin on how difficult his assignments are and expecting people to tink that he is a testimony to the world. Lets just take for example. For the tv series "turning point". You will never see someone who has been scoring A's for his exams appearing there and talking about how hard it is studying. If i were watching the show. I'd turn off the tv. SO i guess that will never give us a reason to look down on people who are gangsters or suffering people. Because. At the end of the day, these people u look down on would have much more stronger mentality than you. So people have religions and how they have to work hard just to go to heaven. I guess why people hate christianity is because they dislike the mentality of going to heaven w/o a need to do anytin. My classmates were just shooting insults at me about how Christianity is. They were just saying. For example. If a christian kills soemone and repents. It means he is forgiven? I guess its just true and i see the reaction on their faces on how shocked dey are. But one thing that i know that this system is reasonable. Its just love that christianity has. I mean. you may think that Christianity is an easy way to heaven and how easy it is to be forgiven when u have commited a grave sin. But why are people so surprised about this? Dun you see this love everywhere today? If a son kills someone and goes to jail. Doesnt the parents forgive their child and yearn for him to return home one day? Why are you people disgusted at this love. I mean.We call our God our father. And i can assure you people that he is truly my father. People call their God by their name. But i guess i am the luckiest person to be calling my God my Father. Maybe i never saw him once. But i guess he has always been here with me. Maybe its time for people to start understanding christanity and see it as how u and ur parents are. And take note that i am not insulting other religions. Jus expressing my point of view on how christianity is. I am not someone who expresses my feelings veri well i guess. people misunderstand me most of the time. But its alright i guess. I am not veri good at expressing my love for my family. Guess its jus this *yuck* feeling to say i love my family. But i have no problem expressing love for my firlfriend la. Thats just how i am built to think. haha. Looking back at this entry. I understood myself a bit more. But i guess its just how it is. Sorry to people who might find this entry long. I jus love pondering over these things. guess i will blabber more in my next entry. That is in the near future. I guess for entry i might highlight one sentence to bring it out to people to ponder over. Quote of the day: i guess what Joe told me is true. "the wisest person on earth is someone who goes through the darkest depth of living hell."
11:52 PM
