Sunday, November 19, 2006
Somehow i feel like an idiot. Every night i go to sleep with an empty feeling in my heart. I feel so lonely everytime i am with frens. I may smile but i feel like i am lying to myself. I may not be happy after all am i? Its just recent happenings that brought me down. But i guess its time to deal with it. Maybe i may sound dumb but i still am searching for a group of frens where i truly belong. Some people may tink tht i am close to church frens. But i guess its time to stop lying to myself. I feel like a stranger. No offence to chrch people who r reading it. Somehow every night i yearn to go back to my old ways. My old way of being accepted. But i guess i can't do it. I am fighting an internal battle with myself. Somehow i tink too much. In school i feel like an alien to the community. I may make jokes but i have to be straight. I am getting sick of my classmates. I truly am. These people treat you like dirt. They take you out and play with you when they r hapi but throw u in one side when they have problems. I do not feel human when i am with them. When i go out with people from my church. I feel very much like a stranger to their conversations. What they talk about isn't what i talk about in school. My sense of humour is totalli different from them. My life is simply opposite from them. Somehow everytime i go out with them i end up yearning to be alone and did'nt want anyone to talk to me. I miss the days of being with Kai, joe and the gang. Somehow all of them have gone on with their life and i guess its time for me to do the same. I have to start searching for my life back. I do not like to show my emotions and do not like to share my problems with just anyone. Somehow i just want to be cut off from the world for the time being for myself to be alone and think through life. O's r ending. Monday will be the last paper. Its almost time. Its time to let go off the hatred i have been holding on to these four years.
Sometimes people see the glorious part of life and yet do not understand the hardwork and pain behind it. People might praise u bcoz u have changed but they do not understand the pain you have to go through and the fighting u have done. They just assumed u have changed for the better and expect u to be like dat and think that everything will be sunshine and flowers. But i guess for my life it would be different. My sunshine and flowers are not here yet i guess. People always tell me how much i've changed and praise me. But i question to myself what have i truly done. Do these people know how much of emotional pressure and pain i endured to get to where i am today? Yes i admit now i am facing attacks from my own emotions. U people may tink i hv changed. But its bcoz i do not show the pain i face in my heart. Every night i see scenes from my past and i face questions from deep within my heart. Who am i? People from my school nvr know what i face everyday and all they do is laugh and criticise. I am nvr on good terms with my classmates and i fight with them most of the times. Precisely why i told Randy tht i wun be going for the class chalet. But i guess i will go for one last time as a goodbye meeting and i will cut off any contact wit people from my school. Thats one of the 2 reasons why i wanted a new number. I didnt wan anyone from my school to contact me anymore. i needed a new number but somehow my dad just refuses to do so. But i guess its partli my fault bcoz i destroyed their trust in the past. I truly feel i am looked down upon by everyone. Somehow i need a break from the world after a 4 year long fight. I am drained emotionally. I truly am. I need a break from anymore fighting. Leave me alone
i am sori if i offended anyone reading this blog. But i want to be truthful with myself. After all. This blog is to record my inner most thoughts. I hope u understand.
12:01 AM
