Day by day i hear people talking about God using people whom have great testimonies, lets say gangsters who repent for Christ. And i dunno if i can be like them one day. I wish to use my testimony for Christ but i am not doing so for my time is not up. But its just when pride takes over, can God then still use me? I am happy that God has turned me over and helped me repent, but sometimes of what people say of my past and how God has worked in my life , i tend to get proud and think its my own effort. Can God then still use me? Everyday is just a constant struggle to keep that pride down before it brings me down. I wish not to dissapoint God. Can i then say that i am proud? Or can i then say i am fighting pride? Sometimes i wonder what goes on in my father's heart, how he manages to fight that pride after so much he has done for God. I am young and i still am making mistakes a year after i repented. Will God still use me? Many have asked to hear of my testimony, i have rejected many. And this is my reason. That each time i speak of my testimony, it will be only to glorify God. Not meant as a story to make myself look great. And neither am i great. That my testimony isnt just a story to entertain, it is to glorify God. I have my reasons for everything i do. Although sometimes it is wrongly carried out, but surely you know that my motive is for the best of everyone. Sometimes i see how God have protected me and kept me. Sometimes it is so easy to see that i get very scared. I get scared that i will dissapoint him after so much he has done for me. I live daily with the fear of dissapointing God. But i still continue making mistakes even though i fear dissapointing him. That sometimes i get so depressed that its like God will give up on me. But God then again through another incident shows that he still loves me just the same. And i get even more scared of dissapointing him again. I try to avoid making mistakes. But sometimes its just hard and very difficult to anticipate. Sometimes i wonder if God will just give me a super big tight slap to wake me up and make me remember it for life. Then i will be motivated to follow his will all my life. But all he has been doing is giving me a little nudge on my shoulders once in a while and carrying me through all the mess i have created. Let me illustrate for u shall i? Lets say i run around the house and break all the glasses, upset all the dustbins and make a whole mess of the house and cut myself with the broken glasses. But Good ol' God gives me a little nudge on my shoulders, give me a loving smile, carry me in his hands and bring me to a clean room, treat my wounds and let me rest, while he goes out to the living room and clears up the mess i have made. Why is God being so patient with a stupid and spastic Kid like me?
