Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Every night i pray hoping for a way out. Only to realise to i have to fight even when i feel like giving up. Why did you Lord choose me to be in this school? Why Lord did u choose me to be persecuted? Why did you Lord send your message so late to me? Your spirit prophecised to me that i will be persecuted. But i have never expected it to be so painful.
Why do these people expect me to be perfect? Why do they persecute me and blaspheme your name just because of my little fault? I preach a message of how imperfect Christians are that we need perfect God. Why do they persecute me for a mistake i made? If they want to find fault with me they could have found it so easily from my past. I preached a message of forgiveness, not perfectness! Why have they misunderstood me? But my Lord my God, how it hurts me that i ruined your name! What could be more painful than dissapointing you!? What could be more hurting than failing you??!! My heart hurts so much that they blaspheme your son and smear your name with filthy talk. But what can i do?? All i could do was to laugh but cry in my heart!! Why have you put me in a battle where i can never lose my temper?? Why is this spiritual warfare so difficult even though i was made to smile when they persecute me? But then can i say i give up?? I cant give up the moment i started preaching your message!! How painful it is to see my persecutors burn in hell!! How painful it is to see these people who blaspheme your name suffer in the place of darkness!! How then can i give up??
My Lord my God!!! I am only 17 years old. Why have you put me in a spiritual warfare that adults fight??? My friends are enjoying life enjoying school. All my life i never got to enjoy school. After i chose to follow you, everywhere i go i got persecuted!!! Why did your prophecy hurt me so much my Lord?? I am so jealous when people tell me secondary school is fun!! How much i want to enjoy it. But why did you fill my teenage years with persecutions? Why did i have to pay such a big price because of someone else's mistake? I was chased after like a wild animal being hunted. When the knife was placed against my neck, all i saw was your will!! I saw a life of so much pain for your name. When his blood filled my hands i saw your love, i understood why your son had to die for us.
My Lord my God!! When my spirit was pulled out of my body and i saw a dark hole of pain. How my heart was filled with fear!!! Why did your voice then pull me back???!! When i was crushed by a demon, why did you teach me to use your name to exorcise my own body??!! Why did i exorcise my own body??!!! Why do demons attack me??!?
My Lord my God!!! How painful it was when i hurt you!! But how painful it was even more when you continued to love me even though i failed!! Who would love a failure?? All i could do was to crave and hunger for you even more!! Who is this God that could do such wonders!!?? I am ashamed to even hear of your words! But yet i silently crave your words and your presence!! I am so scared to hear of your words, for i know it would strike a sword through my heart and fill me with guilt. When i was filled with your presence, i could do things a weakling like me couldnt do. But when you hid your face from me, i feel like a lost sheep wondering around and stumbling!! All these have only taught me that i cannot do anything without you!!
The world hates me and demons attack me Lord!! I have already reached the edge of my road and strength. But even so, keep me from falling over the edge my Lord!!
10:41 PM
