Its around 5am. Around 4.15am i was just on my bed. Couldnt sleep after i woke up. Then i was just on my bed when that fear came back. That scary feeling that i used to live with 4 years back. I used to live with the fear that i might die the next day. The fear that you might go out and never come back that same day. The fear that makes you experience death even though you are not dead. It is only then with that fear that i realised i am not immortal. Its scary. Its only when people demand my life that i realise death is possible to me even though i am young.
I didnt know why i experienced that fear again tonight. But because of that fear that my whole life flashed before me. Then i am forced to accept the fact that i am not immortal. Then all my interest and dreams all seemed stupid. All i had in mind was my family.
We all know we all have to die one day. But young people live like that will never happen. Rich people live like they can have their wealth forever and stay selfish. Poor people live like they have a long way in front of their lives to get rich and they stay greedy. My church friends live like that too. Although we are taught what happens after death, but we all live like death will never happen.
People say that just because i go to church means i will automatically side with church people. They will start saying that i will define church people as all good people. Then this is my thought, i never thought of church people as good people. Whoever said they are nice people? Most of them are selfish and ignorant people! In fact all of us are. Even me. Most of the time everything in church is so fake. Those laughter and behaving like everything is fine for life. I even think that my old friends are better friends than church people. My old friends were the ones who stood with me even in the face of death. Church people are people who are friends with you when everything seems fine. Throw in something bad and we start killing each other.
So then, why do i still love my church friends and even throw in so much effort for them? I have already come to accept the fact that church people are the same as me. I saw my future with them then i couldnt help myself but start loving them. I guess it all boils down to love. I love them because i love them. Without conditions attached i loved them all. Then i started to see all of them as nice and fun people to be with, because i love them. I enjoy my time with them because i love them. Then i start enjoying making them laugh, even though i make myself look stupid. Because i wanted to make them happy. Then all their imperfections started to dissapear. And covered with the word " love".
I cannot help it if people dislike me. In fact, i am very well aware that someone doesnt like me. I dunno if that person is backstabbing me behind or planning something stupid to fuck my life up. But i guess if a person hates me because of my personality, then i cannot do much to please that person. I will only change myself given the following conditions. If i have done something purposely to hurt that person and that person got hurt. then i will change. But if it is just a simple "I dun like your attitude, it stinks". Then fuck off. I can do without your friendship. Its just that your weird personality who clashes with mine. Grow up and face the real world. There are plenty of assholes out there who will definitely fuck you up. Then you will be forced to eat their crap for dinner.
I got my results, Got 2 B's. Passed all. yay. Now i am officially in year 2. damn it.
