Saturday, August 09, 2008
I just realised my blogging style has changed due to the fact that more people are coming to my blog. I used to keep my blog discreet and low profile so that i can really blog my inner thoughts. But nowadays i blog more on the surface stuff due to the fact i have more people to be considerate of when i blog. But i am writing this entry with you readers in mind too : )So now, i was in school today listening to music on my laptop den i saw this link in my song "Fall" By Ina. On the album picture it had the link www.loserboimusic.blogspot.com . Thinking it was some cool blog that i can download songs in, i decided to give the blog a try. But to my surprise it was a christian blog. A site opened by a Christian. Non profit website. In this site they had true facts about prophecies written in the bible 2000 - a few thousand years ago. And the traced the prophecies and found out that almost all of the prophecies have been fulfilled. Go read the blog if you want to. Im not making that website a pop up windoow so as to force everyone to read it. Its entirely optional if you wanna read it. Anw's. Reading it i realised how much i have changed. When i read it in the past i would be filled with joy. Now that i just read it, i couldnt help but feel that much fear inside. So much fear it was even worse that failing my modules. Then i came to accept the fact i have seriously changed for the very very worse. For the past few months people have been telling me i have changed for the worse. My sister, mom, dad, Sq, Patrick, Neng wei and the people close to me. Then i start wondering what have i been doing these past few months? close to a year i have been doing all sorts of nonsense. And i do things that Christians dun do. And to be honest, i had no good reasons for doing those rubbish shit crap stuffs. I started smoking again coz of a girl. And even up till today i am still smoking. Why? I really dunno why? I knew deep down inside that i dun get hurt very long bcoz of girls. I move on with life fast. I am not stressed nor heart broken that i shud be smoking. Honestly, i have a very good and happy family and very understanding parents. And at this stage i dun have any girls in my heart i shud be heartbroken about. So then, why am i still smoking? Although i rarely have conflicts with people close to me, i dun have much personality clashes with people, i know deep down inside i am not as nice as people who dunno me well potray me to be. I compared myself from my year 1 poly to my second year in poly. That much difference is shocking. I was sure of my target in year 1, and when i reached year 2 i lost track. Simple reason i guess, i wanted to experience the worldly life. And now that i experienced it i have been robbed of all the good things in life i looked forward to. I cant help but feel empty deep down inside. Like how sometimes Patrick tell me. I understand, i really am not happy the way i am. Its like i live to die. I just do the things i enjoy and then pass each day like that. But i realise doing the things i enjoy is killing me inside. No doubt i enjoy smoking, scolding vulgarities and looking at girls. But why is that hole deep inside my heart getting to be so big?The reason why only people close to me can tell if something was wrong with me is solely based on one reason. My principal of living. Which is pretty much close to how Patrick lives. I am really very sad deep inside. I feel like life is full of nonsense. But doesnt mean i feel shitty i show it to everyone. Simple logic is that i give people the best of me. And i am still proud of the fact i still live by that principle. But sometimes i can never handle the sadness deep inside and i tend to show it. Thats how people close to me can tell if something was wrong with me. Its about time i start swimming back ashore. I Just crushed my pack of cigarettes. My wallet is crying no doubt. But i rather my wallet cry than my family cry when im on my bed dying. Im not going to say here that i can really succeed in quitting. But i have good reason for doing so. I guess sometimes in life i tend to be so desperate to correct our flaws that i try to correct everything at one shot. Is like aiming to be perfect before i reach age 21. Somethign like that. But i realised i have seriously way too many flaws that i can never perfect them even if i die. Den i realised i have been trying to make humongous leaps for way too many times. Thats why i get to be so discouraged each time i make a mistake. Which is why im going to take things slowly now. One step at a time, till the day i die. Slow and steady : )Im sorry its a very long and emotional post. I had to get things off my chest and after all, this was my original style of blogging. My inner thoughts. And im not planning to give up my purpose of blogging at all. So dun be shocked if you are going " OMFG NATHAN THINKS SO DEEPLY??? The fact is yes i do think very deeply. People think of me as a "Happy go lucky" type of person. Yeah, partially true. Partially true. Sorry for the extreme long post. Nights people : )
2:05 AM
