I really dunno how to start this post. But i guess i will just write it now.
I know about how you feel towards me and all. But i will just be very honest here. I am not very sure of my own feelings. I did like you. But after knowing you. I really can only say we arent suitable for each other. I remember i once asked you why you liked me. You said you liked me coz of my looks, dressing sense and coz i speak english. I cant help but sense dissapointment in my heart. It was never my heart u were attracted too. I know that you are attracted to good looking guys. But all i can say is that there are even more better looking guys out there. Way much better looking than me.
You once told me that i had alot of relationships which lasted only a while. You wanted to be the one which will last for months or years. I will just very plainly tell you the reason why. I am someone who doesnt know how to reject girls. Out of my 9 ex-gf's, i loved only 2. Which is precisely the reason why i never talked or went out with them. The reason was coz i nvr rejected them when they approaached me. And i dun want you to be the 8th girl to be like this. I told you that my 10th girlfriend will be the one whom will very most likely be the one i will marry. So im not going to go anyhow anymore with my 10th one. And i dun think you should take this commitment with me coz looks arent the reason why we are in a relationship.
You would ask why i didnt reject the 7 girls whom i didnt love. I will just tell you very plainly the reason why. Its because i have been rejected for more times than i could count. And it really hurts someone alot to be rejected. I didnt dare reject anyone of them coz i fear they would be hurt too. And this is the reason why i destroyed my whole life and image. And i dun want you to be dragged down together with me. It really isnt good for a girl to have too many ex'bf's.
I know this all started because i didnt know how to reject. Im really very sorry that u are feeling this hurt in ur heart. I know very well how sucky the feeling is. I know it well, but i know it even better that the hurt you are going to feel is goign to be good for you. Maybe when things cool off, yea sure! We can go out together again as a group to watch movie, hang out and stuffs. I will be a good friend. But i can never be a good bf.
I am very sure you dun want to be with a guy that is labelled as a playboy and flirt. And you know it perfectly well that i have many girlfriends. Im not a good person to begin with. No doubt you have the qualities a good gf would make. but it would never work out. I really hope you would meet someone better than me. Someone who would really take care of your heart. And if that happens, do treat his heart with care.
Now dun misunderstand that i cancelled our date coz i wanna avoid you. It really is an emergency. Thats why im writing this entry 3am in the night so you could read it asap. I wont know what time i would be back home tomoro oso.
Just remember that i can be a good friend to you. But i will never make a good bf.
SOmetimes we do all sorts of shit stuff to make ourself look better. No doubt i feel happy and flattered when people say i look good and shits. But i really am starting to question myself. Isit worth it? Isit worth all the trouble to look good? Im really starting to destroy myself. Im starting to be proud. Its a really scary thought.
My Dad told me that sometimes when people praise you, its like the devil trying to fan you to be more obsessed with it. You feel even more driven to look even better. You will start getting obsessed with looks that you start neglecting what really matters. And thats the heart. The personality that we shud all be seeking. A heart of God and gold. I understand what this means now. The devil is really a smartass creature i feel stupid to have even messed with him in the first place. Coz now, all i can say is that i have lost hands down. I have lost myself to him.
