Monday, September 29, 2008
Dear diary, I woke up last night at 3am. I dunno what came over me and i broke down and cried. Then i realised how sad i have been all this while. And i realised the saddest life lived is not a life without a girlfriend. Its a life lived without God. I thought i was strong, but i now know im lousy through and through. Even the strongest man cannot live without love. And im nowhere near strong. Who was i trying to bluff? I now realise why i wanted a gf, i was searching for someone to love, the very fact is that i didnt feel loved by anyone.
People ask why i couldnt find a gf, i asked myself "Whats wrong with me?". Then i realised now why i couldnt get a gf. It was pretty much God behind it. Im not angry that he didnt allow me to have relationships. Now that this has happened, it was me who asked him to do whats best for me and asked him to protect me. But i never knew the weight of my request. I Never knew protection from God himself would be so painful. I thought he would stop my heart from falling for anyone, but he knew what else to do. He made me fall for girls, get heartbroken and be reminded of my promise to him.
I remembered i once told Olivia that maturity isn't about not making mistakes. I didn't finish the sentence for i wanted her to figure out the next part of the sentence. The same way i figured out this sentence myself when Joe told me the same part of the sentence. He told me that maturity isnt about not making any mistakes. I kept wondering what then is maturity. After making so many mistakes in life. I realised what he actually meant. But after talking to Olivia yesterday. I know she has already figured out for herself the second part of the sentence. Yes Olivia, im happy you figured out the second part. Maturity isn't about not making any mistakes anymore, its being brave enough to learn from them.
I am a rotten being through and through. I have forgotten the tears i cried and the sacrifices i made to break free from my old life. The days when people laughed at me because i wanted God. The days i gave up so many of my friends for him. The days when i did what i knew was best for me although it was so painful. Those days were years ago. But i looked back only to be happy i made that choice. The only regret i had was backsliding.
Sometimes what humans see is only the surface of things. What do they know about what dwells deep inside my heart? I am merely human. I am someone who needs friends too. Mum always tell me to make God my best friend. All i could ask is, how do i do that? I need friends whom i can see and touch. Friends i can hang out with. How can i make someone invisible my super best friend? Someone i can only feel?
But then again, who are my real physical friends? Human friends come and go. I have already come to accept this fact. Friends will never stay forever. All i can do is to make their days with me a memorable one. Even when i look at olivia, Kai, Ming Li, Xin an. I can only accept the fact that they can never be with me forever. One day they will find better friends. And we will sooner or later lose contact. And all i would be left with is the holy being still with me caring for me.
I sometimes wonder, if i were to die today. Where would i actually go? Heaven or hell? I ask myself this question, am i still a Christian? Who can tell me the answer? I tried figuring out what i must do to get to heaven. I thought there was a minimum requirement. But humans have so many perspectives, but none has ever seen heaven. They preach of ways to go to heaven. But i realise now, i just have to do what he tells me. Thats my safest gurantee.
Goodnight Mr Diary typed out on a keyboard =] Thank you for listening to my rants.
Love, Nathan
6:48 AM
